Checklist for an LGBTQ+ Safe Space
Do you ever find yourself wondering if it’s safe enough to tell your story in a specific setting?
It’s normal to feel scared, anxious, and even unsafe when coming out to someone, but your story matters and deserves to be heard. While there is no way to fully guarantee protection from the uncomfortable emotions of coming out and sharing your story with someone, nor any way to guarantee complete safety from any possible negative consequences of doing so, I have partnered with a fellow therapist and dear friend of mine, Jocelyn Flores (see links to her Instagram and Website at the bottom) to create a checklist that offers some helpful tips when considering who you want to share your story with. In no particular order, here are four things we want you to consider when determining safety to share:
Assure a neutral setting
A neutral setting may be a coffee shop, local park, or other place where you won’t feel trapped if you need to leave. What you share and when is up to you, and some settings are better for vulnerability than others. Considering a public place may provide better safety than a private, secluded setting (i.e. a car, your friend’s house, etc.) because it is a mutual space with other people around, which can act as a barrier against feeling unsafe. Although feeling uncomfortable emotions while sharing is normal, if at any time those emotions start to feel too intense, that may be your sign that you are not feeling safe enough to share, so having a neutral setting provides an easier way out because you can leave on your own terms if needed.
Pay attention to the person’s language towards the community
Paying attention to a person’s political, religious, moral, and/ or other opinions may be your cue to determine safety with the person you want to share with. You might ask yourself questions such as, “Do all politically conservative people criticize LGBTQ+?” Or maybe, “I know this person is a Christian, so are they going to condemn me for my sexuality?” Although certain political stances or religions may often look down on non-heterosexual identities, not everyone in those groups have the same opinions as the majority, so these are just some factors to pay attention to. While certain language is specific to politics and religion, homophobia occurs across all cultures, so being aware of other types of criticisms, slurs, and discrimination you may have heard this person use—or if this person has done the opposite and called out homophobic remarks used by other people—is also helpful to pay attention to.
Consider the person’s history of being understanding and nonjudgmental
It can also be helpful to consider if the person you want to share with has supported you or others in the past during hard times when determining if they are understanding and non-judgmental. There are many times in life where we rely on the support of friends and/ or family to be there for us, and sadly, we all know what it’s like to be burned by someone who betrayed that trust. That being said, there are some moments in life that prove we can trust an individual, and if you can think of a moment you’ve shared with someone like that, it may be your sign that this person is worthy of hearing your story.
Readiness to tell your story
Ultimately you need to ask yourself if you are ready to tell your story. Sharing your story will always have a level of vulnerability and fear, but if you can check the items on this list, assuring a safe space will make it much easier to do. There’s never a perfect time to share—and you can never fully know how someone will respond to your story—but when you are ready to be known, our hope is that
How can a straight, cis-gender, heteronormative person use this checklist?
For our non-LGBTQ+ readers, now that you know some fundamental aspects of what makes a safe space, it’s up to you to help create this type of welcoming environment for someone who may need it someday. If you are a parent, you may have no idea whether or not your child is struggling with their sexuality; and while we don’t suggest outright asking your child if they have an LGBTQ+ identity (because it should be on your child’s timing to come out, not yours), you can do you part in making sure that if they do happen to be wrestling with their identity, you can now at least help in creating that safe space for them. If you are a teacher, there’s a higher possibility that a student in your classroom may be LGBTQ+, and while the student may not be ready to share with their parent, teachers are often on the frontline of support for students, and if one of them needs to talk, hopefully this checklist makes you feel a little more prepared. For everyone else—such as friends, other family members, and so on—we understand that taking on this role is a big responsibility, but just know that no matter how difficult the task this may be, it is much more difficult for the person who needs someone to hear their story.
It is an honor to be considered trustworthy enough to be on the receiving end of someone coming out, because if they trust you with that information, they probably trust you more than anyone in the world, and the person sharing their story with you will never forget how you responded and made them feel when that time comes.
Now what?
If this message resonated with you in any way, please share this blog with the world; someone might find it helpful! Furthermore, if you want to continue learning about other important topics in the LGBTQ+ Community, as well as delving into other aspects of mental health, relationships, parenting, and more, check out the links below.
Happy Pride Month!
Co-authors:
Jeremiah Matters, AMFT
Jocelyn Flores, LMFT, RPT
Special shoutout to Jocelyn Flores for collaborating with me on this topic. To learn more about the ways she works in the mental health community, check out her Instagram and Website.
