Let’s Talk About Gender
Gender is an abstract concept, yet society tries to fit it into two little boxes called “male” and “female.” Before we are even born, our parents have our whole lives figured out from the moment they find out our sex from the doctor: “Oh, it’s a girl! Better find some pink clothes! And when she’s a little older, we can buy her dolls and a doll house and one day she will find and marry the perfect man and have children of her own.” Although we can’t blame our parents for wanting us to have a so-called “perfect” life, the fact of the matter is that fitting us into one of these boxes is more harmful than helpful, and this goes for not just people in the LGBTQ+ Community, but for everyone.
Although I am a cisgender man—meaning that I identify with the gender I was assigned at birth—I never felt that I fit in with society’s standard of men, and that goes well beyond my identity as a gay man. For more than 10 years before I would accept myself as gay, I will never forget how at the end of my freshman year of high school a friend came up to me and said, “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that a lot of people think you’re gay”, and little did they know that my life would never be the same again. From that moment on, I questioned everything I said or did, for how could anyone suspect I was gay unless I was doing something that others perceived as gay—maybe what others perceived as feminine. So not only did my anxiety sky-rocket, but I began scrutinizing my life with a magnifying glass in order to scope out all the ways I could possibly be “acting like a girl” in order to protect my masculinity—essentially, I began denying myself even more—not only that I was gay, but every possible thing about me that could be perceived as gay. So what were the things I started to become self-conscious of? Well, all my best friends were girls, I rarely hung out with other guys, I felt uncomfortable around other guys for fear of judgment, but what else could it be? Did I act like a girl, walk or talk like a girl? (Whatever that means). And for those of you who are feminine and reading this right now—male, female, non-binary, or other—this is not to make you feel self-conscious of your own femininity, but merely to shed light on the catastrophic effects of society’s standards for gender—otherwise known as “gender roles.”
Eventually, most of these thoughts went away—especially once I accepted myself and came out as gay—because I finally began to realize that whether you are LGBTQ+ or not, gender roles affect everyone, and most people have struggled with society’s standards for most of their lives. Gender roles are what lead to toxic masculinity, misogyny, transphobia, gender identity crises, and more. The fact is, nothing in life can be labeled as masculine or feminine except for people who want to be labeled that way. Society may have told you that things like shopping, skin care products, cooking, and child-rearing are only for women, or that sports, camping, physical labor, and being the “bread winner” of the family are only for men, but that is a lie that society has constructed through generations and generations of socialization.
Do you have skin? Then you can buy skin care products. Do you enjoy working? Then you can have any job you want. Do you want to be a stay-at-home parent? Then you have every right to do so, whether or are a man, woman, non-binary person, or anyone else! It’s normal to feel shame about wanting to engage in activities that society has deemed “normal” for only men or only women, or buying products that are marketed for only men or only women, but that’s only because you have been raised in an environment that told you it was not okay to do that. However, life is best lived as your authentic self, so be who you want to be, act how you want to act, and embrace who you are—no one can live your life better than you, so start being you, today.
