Chosen Family
Do you feel support, acceptance, and unconditional love by your immediate family members? What about your extended family—aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents? While traits such as support, acceptance, and unconditional love are ideal and valid traits to desire within your family, these things do not always come naturally, especially for those within the LGBTQ+ Community. If you are an LGBTQ+ person, you are probably all too familiar with the fears associated with coming out to your family: Will my family kick me out of their house? Will my family disown me? Will my family stop supporting me—whether emotionally, financially, or both? Although these fears do not always become a reality for every LGBTQ+ person, they are very common, and if they do, will you be prepared?
Britannica defines family as “a group of persons united by the ties of marriage, blood, or adoption.” Although most people would accept this definition, when we do not come from a family that holds the ideals we wish to have for a family, we have to be creative and expand our view of what family means. One example of what this expanded definition could look like is offered by Healthline: “A chosen family is made up of people who have intentionally chosen to embrace, nurture, love, and support each other regardless of blood or marriage.” The key difference here is that we have the freedom to choose our family and that it does not need to be dictated by blood or marriage.
The concept of chosen family is important because it gives LGBTQ+ people the freedom to choose who they want to surround themselves with and consider family, especially if the family they were born into is not loving or supportive of them and their sexual orientation and/or gender expression. Fortunately for me, most of my family is accepting of me and have not loved me any less for me being gay, but I know that’s not the same situation for many LGBTQ+ people. That being said, although I have a close relationship with the family I was born into, I also have several others in my life who I consider family, who I love just as much as the family I was born into.
I do not say any of this to dismiss the pain and loneliness that you may experience from your family not accepting you for who you are, because that pain is truly heartbreaking. However, the concept of “chosen family” is meant to instill hope for those who either cannot be themselves around their family, or for those who have been rejected by their family for their sexual orientation and/or gender expression. A hope that what your “blood family” says about you is not the final word. A hope that family is what you make it.
If you are struggling to come out to your family for fear of shame and rejection, or if you have already experienced this pain and are looking for something better, don’t give up—acceptance is out there, and you will find it from those who deserve to be called your family. And of course, please reach out to me if you feel that therapy could be a part of the next step of navigating your Coming Out Journey—you are not alone.
